Hands Clean, Alanis Morissette

If it weren't for your maturity none of this would have happened
If you weren't so wise beyond your years I would've been able to control myself
If it weren't for my attention you wouldn't have been successful and
If it weren't for me you would never have amounted to very much

Ooh this could be messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

You're essentially an employee and I like you having to depend on me
You're kind of my protege and one day you'll say you learned all you know from me
I know you depend on me like a young thing would to a guardian
I know you sexualize me like a young thing would and I think I like it

Ooh this could get messy
But you don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

We'll fast forward to a few years later
And no one knows except the both of us
And I have honored your request for silence
And you've washed your hands clean of this

what part of our history's reinvented and under rug swept?
what part of your memory is selective and tends to forget?
what with this distance it seems so obvious?

Just make sure you don't tell on me especially to members of your family
We best keep this to ourselves and not tell any members of our inner posse
I wish I could tell the world cuz you're such a pretty thing when you're done up properly
I might want to marry you one day if you watch that weight and keep your firm body

Ooh this could be messy and
Ooh I don't seem to mind
Ooh don't go telling everybody
And overlook this supposed crime

The first time I fell inlove

The term "falling" inlove in itself is a misnomer, as love is supposed to uplift and be the most euphoric experience for both lovers. But in this case it was indeed falling inlove.
It was my second semester in varsity, I was staying in the girls residence, away from my mother for the fisrt time. I survived the first semester well, concerntrating on the academics.
Being away from home was not a daunting experience as I had been independent from my mother even when I stayed with her.
I stood my ground, I had my own thoughts but she overruled me and I had to do what she wanted.
Even in high school, I was on the opposite end of popularity, and that increased my sense of independence from the norms of society.

I had not been in any previous love relationship, except a long running crush of four years on a guy in high school.
I didn't want it to develop into anythng more even when he showed interest because of the fear of it being less than this grand fantasy in my head.
When I got to varsity I was willing to let my guard down and let someone near. Sipho was in a relationship with another girl and even though the Freedom Charter
declares that the people shall share, I wasnt into that idea, still am not.
I gave him an ultimatum, her or me. I was left holding pieces of my shattered heart.

Then came along OD who persistently and consistently pursued me. I wasnt that into him but I let him in and allowed him first entry into my piece of heaven.
My prized virginity. We enjoyed great physical chemistry but that is as far as our connection went. I felt like we were just going through the motions.

My whole world was shook and turned upside down with the entrance of T into my life. He broke through my armour and melted my heart, and my brains too.
He was in a toxic relationship with another girl whom he loved but who was yanking his chain and playing with his feelings because she knew how he felt.
I loved him still, inspite knowing the truth of his situation with her. I was the "other woman" and kept coming back for more of his scraps.
The whole campus knew of us, my friend kept trying to get through to me. But when you're hooked on someone, it IS like a drug.
He was my drug, he made me high, and I felt wretched without him.
I left a safe, predictable relationship for the wild rush of an illicit affair.

One night we snuck into a house that was kept for visitors to the campus. We got very cosy and romantic, but we never went beyond touching and kissing.
There was a television series on, it was based on the Thomas Hardy book, Tess of D'Urbevilles.
Immediately I related to the poignancy of Tess' life and love for a man who rejected her. Angel, Tess' beloved, was fighting societal pressure too, and loved Tess but couldnt express it.
Over time, nearing the end of the semester, I found courage within and slowly inched myself from him.

The semester ended and I headed home for the holidays. I bought myself a copy of the book Tess of D'Urbevilles, I still have the copy.
I listened to Tracy Chapman, and wallowed in enough self pity in attempts to heal my wounded heart.
That semester taught me lessons in love and self worth. And that in the end we all have choice in each situation we find ourselves in.
And I still wait to rise in love.